Vinyl Problems 1

Die-cut, hologram, and foil covers sound like the biggest rip-off in the comic book industry. Not that I should be surprised, after all it's an industry designed to separate children from what little money they have. This sales strategy managed to scale up considerably, and now those former children are now adults with (presumably) money and responsibilities, so why not make them buy the same issue of a comic three times? Not only that, but offer the product in odd and hard-to-file-away shapes and sizes? We buy them because we love them, not just because it scratches that collector nerd itch that started back when X-Men was good.

Comic book collectors eventually grow up (at least in a biological sense) and the allure of collecting music, and the drugs/vague intimations of sex associated with it, becomes too much to handle for the person with more money than sense. DIY punk and hardcore have, for years now, been pushing the envelope of what’s possible with pressing petroleum products into bizarre shapes and sizes, and the nascent nerd is in veritable Hog Heaven when it comes to options to spend their hard-earned money on. Here’s some that piqued my interest:

Note: Picture discs are their own level of Vinyl Collector Crazy and may be covered at a later date. For now I’m focusing on records either oddly shaped, or that come in odd packaging.

The Swarm aka Knee Deep in the Dead - Ol Blue Eyes is Dead 7”

There's a ton of overlap between vinyl and comic book collectors (mostly smelly, mostly male) and the punk & hardcore scene has taken a cue from the superhero industry: Variants! All told, there are at least four separate pressings of short-lived Canadian hardcore band The Swarm's 2nd release, Ol Blue Eyes is Dead. Their label, No Idea, currently offers FOUR different vinyl colors, and if you order a green one, you can ask for it without a center label, which is... cool? I guess? The songs are fine, though I’m troubled by the picture of the guitarist playing a semi-hollowbody guitar in the liner notes. It’s not like specific guitars are meant for certain genres, but… ok yes they are. You can’t play a semi-hollowbody guitar in a grindcore band just like you can’t play a nylon string guitar in a death metal band (some have tried, to varying degrees of failure). The record comes in a die-cut sleeve that, in theory, should be easy to slip the record back in, but Icarus may have flown too close to the sun for this packaging. To be honest, I've listened to this record maybe 3 times in my life, and each time getting the whole shebang back in the sleeve is a task worthy of Hercules.

Love Life - Be Kind to Me/Hex it Out 7”

Different colored vinyl pressings makes for more work for the press operators, but nothing quite grinds their teeth like oddly-shaped vinyl. 31g, record label owned by vinyl-loving Locust member Justin Pierson (more on him later), pressed this spooky 7” on heart-shaped vinyl, more than a decade before Lana del Rey put out a heart-shaped vinyl single direct to Urban Outfitters locations. If you want a slab of early 00s goth soul, pick it up on the 31g website, for $5 it’s about $400 less than Lizzy Grant’s lil retail tie-in.

Locust/Arab on Radar split 7”

In hindsight it’s obvious that a split from 2 bands known for singing about bodily functions would release a split 7” shaped like a puddle of bodily fluid, but in person it’s even grosser than you can imagine. Neil Burke’s artwork may do a lot of the dry-heave heavy lifting, but seeing that green (or yellow, of course) vinyl spinning on a turntable is bound to bring up memories of past food poisoning. Leave it to Justin Pierson to release something that, while completely unmarketable, succeeds in letting the casual record buyer exactly what it’s inside the package.

The Locust - Flight of the Wounded Locust 7”

Another entry from the world of Justin Pearson, not only was this the Locust’s first foray into songs longer than a minute, the collector’s version came in a package of four vinyl records that fit together like a puzzle. The end result was nothing spectacular, though it must have been difficult getting the dies cut just right so the pieces of plastic (prone to warping, shrinking, and expanding) fit together in at least a semi-satisfying way.

Acrid/Left for Dead - Hacked to Pieces split 12”

Most bands in the extreme end of metal and punk share the common idea of releasing a record shaped like a circular saw. It makes sense, right? Both are circles, and saws are metal as hell. Few go through with it, but No Idea (remember them?!) managed to not only pull it off, they did it in such colorful variants as Urine, Baby Blue, and uh.. Grayish-Purple. Listen, it’s shaped like saw, just buy it you nerd.

Less Than Jake - Cheese 7”

Pez is an early gateway for the budding collector kid, coming in every shape and color imaginable (or license-able), so it’s no surprise that Florida’s premier Pez-obsessed ska-punk band would dive headfirst into the collectable vinyl world. The die-cut Cheese 7” isn’t even their first foray into packaging gimmicks: 1995s Rock-N-Roll Pizzeria came in a 7”-sized pizza box with custom printing. Cheese stands out as the only vinyl record I’ve ever seen with more holes than the center spindle, but by 1998 the band had major label money, and drummer Vinnie Fiorello’s label Fueled by Ramen was gaining steam as it was becoming a near-ubiquitous pop punk mainstay.

Les Savy Fav - 7” series (collected on CD as Inches)

While not the cash-grab of gimmicky vinyl, the NYC post-punk weirdos did manage to create a secret, satisfying conclusion to their (nearly) yearly 7” releases: Assemble all 9 in a 3x3 pattern, and you get one giant cover! Naturally the Voltron cover was used for the CD compilation, but spacing out a gag over six years, on different labels and different levels of success, takes some dedication.